Disappeared

Today I deactivated all my social media. I have been hurting very much for several months, and can’t seem to crawl out of it. Every time I think I’m making progress, I am knocked back off my feet by something new that is needlessly hurtful and humiliating.

Instagram became a place full of faces I didn’t want to see, insincerity and painfully obvious antagonism, so I stopped using it a couple weeks ago. My Twitter feed became a place of nothing but political nightmares and maddening news stories that caused me high amounts of anxiety. I understand that to shut out the news is a privilege that not everybody can enjoy, but I can right now, and I need to take advantage of that. Severe depression is something I’ve dealt with for most of my life, and Instagram and Twitter have always impacted that negatively, but for the last few months they were only sources of relentless pain and anxiety, so I deactivated the accounts and deleted the apps.

I have a huge amount of new music that’s slowly being finished. I am very proud of it. I can’t wait to share it, and for my experience to be understood.

I don’t understand why I’m being treated the way I am, especially the parts that are played out publicly, but I guess I don’t need to understand. There is so much more happening in the realms of love and friendship than is possible to express on social media, and I have no desire to win a race to the bottom. I only need to understand that my life is important, my value is measured by my own scale, my character shines through all the nonsense, and my dignity is self-prescribed. My survival matters, even if it’s unimportant to those I once loved.