Texts That Make You Go Hmm

“I just saw a woman pushing two poodles in a baby stroller with an attached umbrella.”

“i heard maggie gyllenhaal is going to be at miss sixty. tell her i say haayy.”

“Emily sends farts!”

“The girl that checked me out at the grocery store has on an I like your boyfriend shirt and I can see her saying I fucked your man.”

“hahaha i meant mushrooms and i am so lucky my mom is distracted by trying to find stop n shop right now.”

“Take your pants off and wave them around your head like a helicopter!”

“I just went to Payless and the 18yo gay working was like OMG I LOVE YR HAIR and i’m like my life is so gay I AM BARBRA STREISAND.”

“Also my mom ate a dog biscuit.”

“College is so weirdd. So many football meatheads. Went to a dorm last nite where fake blond girls were sipping vodka from a water bottle. My cue to leave.”

“Heres how i get u hot. my dad is the ceo of [company]. as in [full name].” –from some random girl who was apparently trying to impress me, but I have no idea whatsoever who the hell she was talking about. And she was texting me this from right next to me because she didn’t want to say it out loud. And also, I’m gay.