Off the Florida Keeeeys

Rocked the weekend like polar bears on rollerskates. Though maybe I should have stopped before Monday. But, as I asked in my drunken MySpace bulletin, “WHAT ELSE DID THE PRESIDENTS DO BUT PAAERTY ON THE BEEEEEEEACH?”

Friday was a party at my place, which was terrible amounts of fun for me because lots of people I love showed up. And then I pretty much stayed at Cameron and Romina’s the rest of the weekend, until this morning when I woke up and began to bumble my way through daylight hours again.

Seasonally defiant! The group decided that Presidents’ Monday was going to be summer, so the curtains were opened, Romina turned up the heaters and cooked hot dogs, everyone put on beach outfits and sunglasses, the Beach Boys played in the background, and the drinking began at two in the afternoon. You can have Christmas in July, so why not July in February? I never remember that champagne and wine drunk are very different from other types of drunk, so I got myself sick by dinner, marking maybe the third time ever in my life I’ve felt like I was going to throw up from alcohol. The only successful time was once in college when I lost a few hours and my underwear (but not my pants).

President Emily Quincy Adams
Born in a hailstorm and known for this image, her official portrait, which was deemed too racy for autographs to kindergartners. Personally repainted the Presidential plane with the phrase “Err Force One” and believed the film The Craft was a documentary.

President Benjamin W. Bush
Laughed so much at his own name that he fell out of a cherry tree on Easter and snapped his neck.

President Anna Rexia Taft
Pioneered emancipation of the Yarnbabys and sought to abolish separate bathrooms for Yarns and Norms (unsuccessful). In the summer of dicketythree she put on a mask of makeup and convinced several DC commoners that she was an angel made of taffy.

President Cassaddiena De Beer O’Washington
First and only three-headed ruler of the free world. Signed into law a constitutional amendment requiring all sweatshirts to be manufactured with three hoods.

President Cameron B. Johnson VI
Flanked by Secretary of Treasury Dianna and Attorney Jineral. Outlawed shorts on Mondays. This resulted in a storming of the White House, which was found to be completely redecorated with taxidermy and thrift store portraits.

President Kylene “Snakebite” Clinton
Died when she tried to smoke a rattler. Left behind a litter of fifteen First Babies, each one more stylish than the last.

President Katharine Harding
Pictured here with a portrait of her sister, Watermelon Slice Harding, a mostly immobile member of one of the most peculiar families in all of United States history. Watermelon Slice later bleached her hair, hired someone to beat a woman with a pipe, and made a sex tape on her wedding night. President Katharine disowned her sister publicly, but was seen purchasing the DVD on two occasions.

President Janelle Jefferson
Pretty much had this look on her face 24/7 because everyone knew she slept with the help and mothered many mixed-race children, all of whom she named Pinecone.

President Geneva Convention and VP Bradley Accord
Commander-in-Chief sent 21,500 troops to Ibiza while high because she thought they’d “really get a kick out of it.” Congress attempted to block the order, which resulted in a four-day filibuster of giggles and penis jokes.

President Sarah S Trumaneater and VP Kate Roosesvelte
The President and “Two-Fisted Kate” were impeached when these photos were found in a lockbox on a ranch in Texas and e-mailed to Lt. Zoe Bandersnatch,

who made them the desktop background on every computer in the Pentagon network.