Brad Walsh

Coming Up Rosie

Friday, April 28th, 2006

HER: Did you hear that Rosie O’Donnell is replacing Meredith Vieira on The View?
ME: I’m replacing Rosie O’Donnell on the couch.
HER: This is going to be a fiery explosion of vagina and hair product.

No More Children

Thursday, April 27th, 2006

It’s Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day, or something like that. Other peoples’ kids in and around my office, staring at me in the elevator like I’m doing something other than just standing there uncomfortably. This amounts to me having to take lunch far, far away. Also, our sixty-year old doorman was hitting on a fourteen-year old girl in front of her mother, who was totally creeped out. That’s what you get for taking your kid to work. I hope she sits on the auto-stapler.

Here’s a giant, yet-unfinished co-painting that Kathy and I are working on for above the couch:

And some Tuesday pictures of Dominoe and Kelsey in the car, Sloan smoking, Kyle doing something strange, and Ray Ray on his last night here:

Can we talk about how half of the MySpace millions are currently using junk-mag.com images by Brad Walsh? Including a bunch of my favorite ladies, who you should all befriend: Sarah, Gurj, Karen, Ollie, and Sharon (and Kathy and Jess and Naya and Janelle and Dana but not Sloan).

Toothpicks to Hold My Eyes Open

Wednesday, April 26th, 2006

Without Kathy and her expert navigation skills, Jason and I got lost on the drive home last night at three in the morning (and we were the first to leave the party!), and now that we’ve slept maybe four hours, I’m ingesting coffee like Paula Abdul ingests vodka and crazy pills. All night long people were saying “are you Brad Walsh?” and introducing themselves to me. One or two in a night isn’t that uncommon when we are in the company of hundreds, but this was just weird. I felt like Melissa… only, with class. YOW!

(He said, knowing full well that he was an asshole with a skull bandana around his neck not seven hours ago. And Melissa is classier than eighth grade social studies. Qualify, qualify.)

This morning my eyes opened and noticed that the alarm had not beeped us awake when it should have twenty-five minutes before. I said “great” and managed to get completely ready to leave the house in ten minutes. In fact, the D arrived just as I walked down the stairs, and there was no bridge traffic, so I rolled up into the office this morning ten minutes early. Yeah, I’m awesome like that. What?

Celebreality

Tuesday, April 25th, 2006

1. I just stood next to Blythe Danner for a couple of minutes, and hot damn! Chris Martin should pray that his wife ages as gracefully as her mother. Kathy suggested I call her “Grandma Moses” in light of the recent Biblically-themed baby. But I didn’t.

2. Some bitch I know is listed in IMDB, and her message board there includes comments like “I’d love to be her friend” and “She ha[s] gotten so conceited and bitchy” and “She’s so awesome!” What they don’t know is that she hides her secrets in batches of rice krispie treats, along with the bones of all the baby raccoons she mercilessly exterminates with her BARE HANDS.

It’s A Wonderful Life?

Monday, April 24th, 2006

Party Junkies updates. See if you’re there.

A rainy Saturday afternoon drive to Long Island and a visit to Melissa resulted in coconut sorbet and eat-the-wrapper rice candy because she is just that amiable. Talk of tearing up the DJ booth will result in something ridiculous, probably involving Melissa screaming “barnacles” at strangers, since that seems to be the magic word. Justin drew a gross diagram that’s currently in Kathy’s purse.

Later on, Jason made fun of me after 4am when I could barely keep my head up on the train, thinking I was too drunk to function, but duh! It was after 4am! I was tired! And I hadn’t had anything to drink in hours! Above ground it was raining, and I had to go into Dunkin’ Donuts to avoid the guy holding two cats and calling me “white nigger” who disappeared ten minutes later. Maybe he was my guardian angel. Even my divine protector has no idea what country I’m from.

How much would my life suck if my guardian angel was a fifty year old Puerto Rican guy who holds cats in the rain and calls me “white nigger?”

Quiz

Sunday, April 23rd, 2006

Was I the only drunk person on the train?

Did Sarah DJ and conspire for a moment to pilfer the errant battery charger (probably Scott’s) plugged into the wall in the basement?

Did Ray Ray fly his ass all the way to New York without even warning me and grab me out of the crowd to say hello?

Was Kendra on her way to a pirate picnic?

Did Axl Rose kinda bumble around for a little bit?

Is Jason actually priceless?

Yeah, I would have to say he is.

Quiz

Saturday, April 22nd, 2006

Did Janelle allow me to model her $1000 Dior necklace?

Is the sight of Jason and Kathy playing with Jess’ dog the cutest thing I’ve seen all week?

Is Naya the absolute best at throwing me the perfect “what the fuck?” glance when people are saying or doing ridiculous things?

Does Anna have a blackbelt in facial adornment?

Where is RayAnn to complete the Trio of Triumph with her red hair?

What?

Ooh La Lit

Friday, April 21st, 2006

There are a million pictures from last night that will end up on Party Junkies sometime this weekend, but here are a few that I like now. From Annex:

Ollie Bo Bollie:

Anna the Partyslayer:

Shannon & Jason:

In Transit to Lit…

Kendra, to whom I said “frickin” by accident, and she totally let it slide…

Um, also, I said “freakin” to Melissa probably four times in one long ass phone call a few days ago. I go through weird phases of involuntarily barking out stupid words, but I sure hope this isn’t a new trend. For three months in college it was “woof” whenever I was surprised while driving. That was certainly no fun.

Also, I will totally make apologies for this one because it’s the third time I’ve talked about her this month, but when I said the only thing on Pink’s new album that was worth listening to was “Cuz I Can,” I hadn’t listened past that track. Forget it, that one already went bad on me. “Fingers” and “Centerfold” are good. “Fingers” is actually good, and “Centerfold” is good for Pink. Okay, no more talk about Pink. I am not allowed. That was it.

No more Pink.

Also also, ladies, do not let this man inspect your breasts. He’s a phony! A great big phony!

How fucking stupid do you have to be to:
First: open the door to an old man who says he is giving door-to-door breast exams;
Second: let said old man in to give you said breast exam;
Third: allow old man to move from “breast exam” to “poke your vagina with no gloves on,” and
Fourth: call the sherriff while the old man is still in your house, and let him walk out the door while you’re on the damn phone?

Matching MisShapes Miscreants

Thursday, April 20th, 2006

Bzzzzz
Bzzz

Residual Lilith

Thursday, April 20th, 2006

I don’t know why I make apologies for liking someone like Joan Osborne, so I won’t. “One of Us” (the song of hers that was on the radio in the 90s) is probably the most artist-misrepresentational song I can think of. It’s boring and lazy, neither of which the rest of her music is, and it doesn’t even come close to showing off how well she sings. I’m not even a big fan of that whole album; it’s her second that got me, Righteous Love. Then came How Sweet It Is, which was a collection of stylized, sort of alt-rock covers of Motown and R&B hits, and that sealed it. What she did to Edwin Starr and Marvin Gaye was amazing.

Last night I went with Kathy to see Joan Osborne at Southpaw in Brooklyn, and oh my God, her voice is perfect in person. Perfect. Flawless, and seemingly effortless. She’s sounding more and more like Emmylou Harris as the days go by, only with even more control. I stood and listened to her sing an entire set of new and unreleased songs from the country album she’s working on – she asked us if Hallelujah in the City was a good title – and I wished my mom could have been there. She looked great, too, except for the boots.

Also, I have never seen so many lesbians in one place. Park Slope, for real.